


Bard vs The Galaxy

by A_mug_of_tea_is_all_I_need



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse of Tolkien's work, BAMF Bard, BAMF Everyone pretty much, Barduil - Freeform, F/M, M/M, Random fusion of space and Middle Earth, Sauron is a major dick, Space AU, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-20
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-05-22 06:37:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6068974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_mug_of_tea_is_all_I_need/pseuds/A_mug_of_tea_is_all_I_need
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Bard inadvertently finds himself in the middle of an intergalactic space battle, what else can he do but offer his help? And as the war between good and evil progresses, will his developing feelings for the ridiculously attractive General Thranduil endanger everything?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bard vs The Galaxy

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so I don't even know what this is. But I can't bring myself to apologise, so here you go: Thranduil and Bard in space!!!!

Bard sighed. Only he could manage to get himself involved in an inter-galactic space battle whilst popping out to pick up some milk. Well, there was nothing for it, he was here now and, or so he had been informed by a glowing humanoid, he would be remaining here for the foreseeable future.

Here was a small planet on the fringe of the Andromeda galaxy which was mostly made up of tiny interconnected islands which were home to all sorts of wondrous (and sometimes downright dangerous) creatures. Bard couldn't remember the name of the place, all he knew was that it was most definitely not Earth and that, in the short time he had been there, he had almost lost his life exactly 13 times. Distantly he wondered how his kids were doing back on Earth....

2 hours earlier

"Da, we're out of milk! Again!" Sigrid's voice held a note of exasperation which Bard understood all too well. It seemed they were always running out of milk. Well I guess we just drink too much damn tea, he mused humorously. And it was true. The Bowmans all had a healthy appreciation for tea, whether it be green tea, earl grey, chai, mint, normal tea or any number of fruit or herbal fusion teas.

"Alright darling, I'll nip out and get some. Keep an eye on Tilda and Bain will you, they're just in the garden," he called back as he grabbed his wallet and coat. "I'll be quick."

"Thanks Da." 

Bard smiled as he stepped out the door. It was a lovely sunny afternoon (and weren't those rare in rainy England?) and he was planning to surprise his kids with a trip to their favorite Indian restaurant later. Strolling the familiar path to the local corner shop, Bard's thoughts drifted to what he might order later in the evening. Should he go for his usual medium-hot dopiaza, or branch out with something new? Hmmmm...decisions, decisions.

Something in his peripheral vision distracted Bard from his thoughts. He was almost sure he'd spotted a foot peeking out from the bush he'd just passed. Moving closer he realised it was indeed a foot which, upon further inspection, proved to belong to a rather strangely clad individual. In fact, if Bard's eyes weren't deceiving him, the stranger was not just oddly dressed but also had purple skin and impossibly coloured yellow eyes. This last fact he could tell because those eyes were wide open and staring unseeingly at some point on the horizon, glazed in a way which meant they were very much dead. Bard felt his stomach sink. Had he just stumbled upon a dead alien? 

This did not shock Bard as much as maybe it should have done but he liked to think himself pretty much unflappable and he proved this by gently moving to press two fingers to the alien's neck, trying to determine if they were indeed dead. Bard knew it didn't have to mean anything when he couldn't find a pulse. After all, just because they were vaguely human-shaped, didn't mean the alien had the same internal workings as he did. Perhaps a pulse could be found elsewhere? But instinctively Bard knew this wouldn't be the case, clearly the alien wasn't breathing and no other sign of life could be perceived. This left the question of what he should do now? Calling the police seemed life the obvious option. But what would happen to the alien then? The body would probably be carted off to a secret lab somewhere to be experimented on and this just didn't seem right to Bard. Everyone deserved a proper funeral, even unknown aliens. He was saved from his dilemma when he shifted slightly, accidentally knocking his left leg against something on the alien's belt.

Instantly, Bard was engulfed in a haze of pale blue light. It surrounded both him and the body laying next to him, sticking to his skin in an unpleasant way. His discomfort increased when sharp, needle like pain started to attack his body from all angles. Gasping when the pain reached unbearable levels, Bard's strength left him and he collapsed next to the deceased alien. Then, quite suddenly, both the pain and the light disappeared. Collecting himself, Bard quickly stood, shaking out his body as he did so.

"Christ that was unpleasant."

"Indeed. Many have responded much more deeply to their first experience of ultraviolet travel." This statement was delivered by a melodic voice, low and beautiful for the way it caressed your ears. Startled, Bard took notice of his surroundings for the first time and found them much changed from the country lane he had been on just a moment ago. His eyes found those of the person who had just spoken and didn't look away. If he had thought the voice was beautiful then the man it belonged to was truly stunning. 

Pale skin which emitted a slight silvery glow greeted Bard, matched with inhuman blue eyes and long moon coloured hair. These impossible features coupled with too-pointed ears and the stranger's unusual attire alerted Bard to the fact he was dealing with another alien. Although this one was far from dead and not alone either. He, and Bard could not be sure if they were in fact a he, was seated behind a desk surrounded by variously sized aliens of all descriptions (although Bard thought it safe to presume he was considered the alien in this situation). Dragging his gaze from the ethereal stranger, he saw that they seemed to be in some kind of tent and that he was no longer standing on grass but on what appeared to be a type of small mushroom that covered the ground creating a spongy effect.

"Errrrrrrrrrm...." Bard floundered for a couple of seconds. He thought this could be forgiven since it wasn't everyday you found yourself mysteriously transported to an unknown location, surrounded by aliens and faced with someone who was insanely attractive (despite their non-human status). "Hello, I'm Bard. Bard Bowman." It seemed a safe bet to introduce himself. A simple introduction couldn't get him in too much trouble could it?

"Thranduil Oropherion." His voice was still low and pleasant but now held a note of amusement. This encouraged Bard. If the alien was amused then he couldn't be pissed at him right?

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thranduil sighed, running his hands through his silky hair. In front of him his desk displayed a map of the galaxy, letting him know just how badly the war was going. Swearing in Azurelian, he touched his mind to his son's.

'Legolas?'

'Yes Ada?' Thranduil smiled. Even through mindspeak his Little Leaf (although not so little anymore he had to remind himself) managed to convey his annoyance at being interrupted from whatever book he was reading currently.

'Gather our allies and meet me in my tent. We have things to discuss.'

'Now?' Rolling his eyes, Thranduil assured his son he did indeed mean now and then withdrew his mind. 

After the last altercation, the combined forces of the Ardan Alliance had retreated to an almost forgotten planet called 'The Shire'-their third retreat in as many months. The tide of the war was turning, and not in their favour thought Thranduil grimly. 

When the shadow of Sauron, a savage warlord of the barbaric planetary system of Mordor, had first fell upon Andromeda, many had foolishly dismissed the threat. The Rangers would deal with the Morgothian if he started to get any ideas. But he had been clever, hiding the true strength of his forces and soon planet after planet had fallen to the warlord. By the time the galaxy had woken up to the true power Sauron wielded, only the planets in the Arda quadrant remained free of his dark influence. General Thranduil Oropherion of the Sindarin Guard, famous for his defeat of an inter-dimensional wrydworm, had marshalled a hasty alliance of the remaining free planetary systems. Soldiers of the planets Imaldris, Lothlorien, Rohan, Gondor, Esgaroth and even Erebor (the planet was known for it's reclusiveness) had rallied but it was proving too little too late and Thranduil feared soon the rest of the galaxy would fall to the evil of Sauron. 

"Ada?"

Looking up, Thranduil saw his son, so similar in appearance to him, stepping into the tent, followed by Elrond (Lord of Imaldris), Haldir (advocate of the Lady Galadriel of Lorien), Theoden (elected leader of the Rohirrim), Faramir (Captain of Gondor's forces), Thorin (Emperor of the Dwarrows of Erebor), The Master (the tyrant ruler of Esgaroth), Aragorn (leader of the Rangers) and finally Tauriel (Thranduil's most trusted captain). All wore weary expressions but held themselves with steely determination. None wanted to see Sauron triumph.

"Good evening everyone," Thranduil spoke in Westron, the common language of the Arda quadrant. "No good news I'm afraid. News has reached me that Osgiliath has fallen." Here Thranduil paused, looking at Faramir, his gaze sorrowful. "Your brother fell also. I am told he died defending the few civilians who had not been evacuated in time." 

The Gondorian captain nodded, not trusting himself to reply with words. For as long as he could remember it had been him and Boromir and now his brother had been stolen from him. Taking deep breaths he realised Thranduil had begun speaking again.

"We all know what this means." Everyone nodded but it was Thorin who verbally acknowledged the situation.

"Osgiliath is Gondor's closest moon. Sauron now has a perfect base to launch a decisive attack against it and Gondor will not hold. It cannot. Recent attacks have left it too weak and when Gondor falls, surely it spells doom for the rest of us?"

Faramir stepped forward, "Do you doubt the strength of Gondor, Oakenshield." 

"I do not doubt the bravery of your men Captain but that does not make up for the fact your numbers are too few and spread too thin already. Tell me, how many did you lose in Ithilian? How many fell at Osgiliath?" Thorin's words were harsh but his tone not ungentle and Faramir could not deny their truth.

"Thorin is right. Gondor cannot stand alone," Thranduil's deep voice broke in. "And it will not."  
Silence greeted his words. Before anyone could reply, the tell-tale blue light which signified the return of a scout materialized in the room. However, what appeared out of the ultraviolet glow was not expected.

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure how regular updates will be but hopefully they'll be pretty quick.


End file.
